Im at strip club and am horny
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Randomize
