bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
We had sex on a dog bed..
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
