when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
