uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
