Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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