you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
