I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
