there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
