please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
