I would go down on you faster than GM stock
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
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