Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
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