Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
