ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
