Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
that's an acceptable place to lick
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
