I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
