Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
A+ Viking dick
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
