the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I FOUND THE LEGS
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
