Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
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