You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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