Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
