I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
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