hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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