I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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