your room smells of hookers.
And success
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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