he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Randomize
