I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Randomize
