I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
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