the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
