So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
