please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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