That's when you crack a 10am beer
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize
