I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
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