I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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