I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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