I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
