Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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