FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Randomize
