Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Randomize
