Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Randomize
