People in love make me want to vomit
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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