I only kidnapped one of them. chill
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
