I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
