I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
