i think my tv is drunk
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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