i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
