So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
