I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
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