oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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