She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
