One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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