if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
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