This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
