What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Randomize
