He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
I skipped work to stalk him.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
