is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
