i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Randomize
