and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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