Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
