we have pet lesbian snakes
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
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