I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
