I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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