New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Randomize
